I wish you wouldn’t hang out with her. I wish you wouldn’t even talk to her. Because, I LIKE YOU. And I always have. I’m not trying to complicate things for you, or make things weird between us, I just always have and I worry so much that you’re just gonna disappear, out of my life again, and I can’t handle it. I can’t handle losing you. I know I don’t completely understand you’re past relationship with her. I know you were once in love with her. I just think that maybe, you should look right in front of you. Take a second look at me and just consider how it could be. I wish you’d just read my mind.
a cuddle buddy. a friend with benefits. someone to hold me. someone to hang out with me. someone to smoke weed with. someone cute and funny. someone who isn’t gonna just fuck me once and then go talk to other girls. someone to isn’t gonna come over and be a dick, even if they’re joking. someone who hits me up, but not obsessively. someone who isn’t a creep and will actually get to know me before they just try to fuck me. but someone who has no intention whatsoever of being in a relationship, BUT WILL JUST HAVE HOT SEX WITH ME WHENEVER I WANT.
and I need to get away from everything and everyone here.
I’m angry and hurt and taking it out on everyone. I’m constantly trying to come up with reasons in my head as to why this always happens to me.
Why I’m just a mess and constantly trying to find an outlet. I wanna scream and explode in someone’s face.
I wanna get fucked up and do crazy shit so I can FORGET all of this. These feelings. Of wanting out of my head and not being able to do anything about it.
Being so fucked up in the head that I’m literally dangling from a string and I’ll let any guy just hold it and dangle it however they want. And right now, you have the string and you just left it at home cause you don’t give a shit at all or if you do, you suck at showing it.
Why is this fucking me up so bad. What’s wrong with me god damn it.
Half the time, I feel confused at whats running through my head. I’m searching for love in all the wrong places and I’m constantly being let down.
I’m on edge and all I want is for someone to want to be around me. I feel so alone. I have the greatest friends in the world, and I don’t appreciate them enough, but its not enough to feel the void. The emptiness inside. I’ve been searching for an outlet and I still feel so trapped within myself. My mind constantly runs and I wish I could just make it stop.
I need to get lost. Drive until I can’t find where I am and I’ve lost all signal. All reality.
I’m not over it. Knowing you have someone makes me feel more alone. Questioning my decision to wait so long. I hate you for what you did. Screaming at me telling me it was a waste of time and that I never loved you, but then you turn around and do this. I feel like I was just shot in the chest with a beanie bag. Knocked down. I should rip up your picture in my wallet. Rip up the memories and burn them to a crisp, but for some reason I can’t find the will to do it and that’s what makes me hate you even more.
I’ll devote the majority of my time to any attractive male friend that’s willing to give me the attention. It’s how I’ve become and I never used to be like this. Maybe I’m just searching. Searching for someone to fill up that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t even eat anymore. I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I just can’t seem to figure it out. Being single again. I’m constantly happy one moment and depressed the next. Up and down 24/7. I can only seem to stop when someone is occupying my time. The space in my head.
I miss you. What even happened. I wish I could go back to 4 weeks ago. Laying in your bed just talking about everything. Opening up to you. Listening to your stories and hearing your voice. Having your arms around me. Complete silence except for the small sound of our breathing so in sync. Empty house. No worry in the world. Knowing someone loved me and cared about me. A best friend. I know the other girls aren’t the same. They just fill up your empty void for the night when you’re lonely. It was more with me and I know you know it. I was someone you could love and talk to. Someone who could lay in bed with you without having sex or trying to have sex. Its all I want at this point, just a good conversation with my best male friend. If you’d take a break from your crazy new lifestyle to give me the time of day. I only ever get calls from you at early hours of the morning when I’m completely stuck in a deep sleep. Calling me when you’re lonely, but our times don’t match up anymore.
I’m so insanely confused by you, but then again, when in the course of the past 3 years, have I not been so confused by you? I’m constantly worried you’ll disappear again. When you don’t respond to a text, I’m reminded of the past. I hate it. Living with the fear that you’re gonna leave me again and I’m already so wrapped up in it. I miss you when you aren’t around and I love how you make me laugh unlike anyone ever has before. I like the way you swoop your hair back, Superman. And the way you can take me away for the weekend without a care in the world to the best city in the world. You made my biggest dream come true. I like the way you smell like clean laundry and all the funny facial expression you make. I like the scar on your chin, that sticks out so clearly when you don’t shave, I also like the fact that I know how you got it. I like your 5 o’clock shadow and all the music you play. Okay, so I guess its safe to say I like you. But why am I so afraid that once you have me, it’ll be all you want, and nothing else. And why do I feel like I’ll definitely want more. I’m playing with fire again and I just don’t understand why it is that YOU keep coming back around. Time and time again. What does this mean and how come I can’t stop thinking about you.
I’m a ticking time bomb and I hide it so well. But when the door closes I’m literally screaming in a corner. Crying. Begging for help and a way out of this feeling. I hate having so much on my mind. Feeling completely lost inside from the world, and no one understands.
the past like it was only yesterday. Missing you. All those feelings that now seem so distant and unfamiliar. I constantly wonder if I’ll ever experience that kind of passion again.
Its been so long that I feel like, I eventually just lost hope. I’m desperately lonely and all I want is to be held tightly by someone who actually cares. Someone who wants me and just understands me. Someone worth talking to and wasting my time with.
I’m looking in all the wrong places. I’m just like water, floating by. Wondering when its gonna be my turn. Trying not to drown.
I've realized what I want and I think I might go chase it...
my trip to Chicago truly made me want to move away from Ohio. I was reminded of a time long ago, back in Baltimore. Chicago was new and exciting. Different, but not too crazy. It was everything I wanted. I could imagine it in the seasons changing. I fell in love with it all. The rain. The busy streets. The constant honking cars rushing by. The noises. The smells. The people. Everything. I want it. All of it. And in the next two years, maybe I can figure it out. My biggest dream became reality. And now, I don’t want it to end.
I’m glad you moved on so quick, although in a way it irritates me. Good for you. She’s adorable and you seem happy. I guess we all follow our own paths. I did what was right for you. I did what I needed to do for me. Now I can follow my own path. Like wind blowing through the sky, or air floating through the bustling streets of Chicago. Flowing like water out on the sea.
I’m falling in love with everything around me except for the fact that I’m stuck in Ohio. But I’m trying to look forward to what I wanna do. Which is get out of here. Its all working towards it now. One goal after another. And I’m gonna try to stay positive and motivated every step of the way. I just need it in myself. I need to believe. I need to keep finding myself. Searching within for MY happiness. I know I can find what I truly want for ME.
Until I get away, I will continue to toast to good times, good friends, good vibes all the timeeeeeee. <333333