Here ya go Dr. Roseman. I wish you could read this.
Did you know I literally want to die? That everyday its something new bringing me down. I’ve never felt so depressed in all my life. So annoyed with everything in my life. Feeling so defeated and misunderstood. I’m lost in this world and barely even want a part of it anymore. I dream of leaving this fucking town and getting away from everything, everyone.
I hate my life more and more everyday and when you bitch at me about pointless fucking crap, I just wanna kill myself even more.
And when the wind blows through my hair in Chicago, I'll forever think of you and the few summer days we spent lost in a dream, with reality behind us. The city lights so blinding. The way the rain washed it away. We couldn't have been more alive and I'll never forget.
and yet I still think of you everyday. It makes me dizzy and nauseous thinking of you now. Still wanting you so bad. Its even worse now that I know. This cold is killing me inside and out. I feel so weak. So distant. So gone. I just wanna give up on everything. Run away. I’ve never felt so fucking depressed and lonely in all my life and it just keeps getting worse.
I guess I’m not allowed to have bad days. I’m not allowed to be annoyed or angry. As if I couldn’t feel more depressed and defeated. Nothing seems to be going right and then I just get it all thrown back in my face. How cool. I’m sick of everyone and everything. And even my best friends can’t just simply try to calm me down. Instead they just gotta call me names and 1 up me. Feels fucking great.
The truth is, I wish I could just make you want me, cause you're all I want and I try to just forget. But its not that easy. I wake up and think about you until I go to sleep. I dream about you. It makes me sick. I hate you so much for leaving me hanging. Just completely fucking blank. What kills me is how fucking easy you can do it too.
You think you’re such a man, but you’re not that at all. You stand up so straight, but I see you so small. With words left unspoken, I now finally see. Lost wishes and dreams, chances that we’ll never be.
My souls in the city, my heart in your hands. What about the things you said, what about our plans. Wondering how things will be, having you around. Knowing nothing will ever change, feet stuck firmly in the ground.
Kicking myself for letting you, hating that you know. Playing these games too often, all shields have gotta go. I watched myself dive in too far, not knowing what would come. Listened to the silence you gave me, suddenly feeling numb.
How dare you treat me like this, look at what you’ve done. Years later, I’ve lost the game, which I guess means that you’ve won. Your face it haunts me daily, I don’t know what to do. Broken hearted, soul is lost, all because of you.
These words are scattered throughout my head, trying to get out. Watching love drift away, learning to live without. Amazed I let you do this to me, feelings from the past. Trying to keep the memories, hoping this time we will last.
I notice how you’re distant, how you don’t seem to really care. Lost in your own head, reality being too much to bare. Wondering what you’re thinking, wondering how you feel. Trying so hard to figure out what makes your mind just reel.
Picking up the pieces, you’re constantly leaving behind. Don’t know how long I can follow you, messing with my mind. Preserving my feelings, by keeping yours within. Seriously, you know me so well. How long has it fucking been?
Three years later, and you still can’t spit out what is true. I should have expected this, coming from you. Leaving me with nothing, a page left so completely blank. Having to figure it all out on my own, with only you to thank.
Thanks for coming around again, and making things so hard. When we reunite once more, I’ll be the one holding up the guard. Bottling up my thoughts, second guessing everything in my head. The back and forth with you, all because of the words unsaid.
I hate you so much, but I don’t hate you at all. I hate that I let you get to me, but its too late now to withdrawl. You have me wrapped around your finger, wishing the ride would end. Letting myself forget the truth, having to pretend.
Loving you with everything, even though I feel like this. Mind constantly reeling, thoughts I will try to dismiss. Forgetting how I feel inside, just hoping you won’t leave. All the truth coming out, but I will always believe.
“Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember.”—Gotye - Somebody that I used to know (via mrjoshua79)
and I wish you’d chase me. Cause I’d let you and I’d love it. I’d fall for you all over again just to watch myself get hurt all over again. For some reason, you’re like a drug and no matter how badly you’re hurting me in the long run, I want more now. But I won’t let you know how I feel anymore. I’ll bottle it all up inside and act like you don’t interest me whatsoever. I’ll pretend it doesn’t break my heart that you don’t care, that you don’t want anything more from me, that you’ll only ever see me as a friend anymore. I’ll pretend I don’t care about you. I’ll pretend I’m not completely broken inside because of what you did to me. I’ll pretend I don’t want you.
But inside, I’ll be bleeding. Inside, I’ll keep the little spark of faith, that maybe, just maybe, if I’m lucky enough, you’ll like me again. You’ll chase me. You’ll want me. You’ll look at me the way I look at you and smile. You’ll realize what you’re losing. What you’re missing out on, and for once again, you’ll want me and come crawling back.
And maybe I’ll let you. Maybe just maybe.
But then again, maybe we’ll be strangers again and maybe none of this will matter.