this low feeling that’s been eating away at me. I constantly feel so up and down.
On the outside, I’m the normal me, bubbly and outgoing. Talkative.
But on the inside I feel completely broken. I have this feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Thoughts in the back of my head. Constantly replaying over and over in my head like a skipping song or a movie on repeat.
The lonely feeling that’s eating away at me, only happens to go away when I have other things occupying my brain. Multiple friends. Multiple packed bowls and American Spirits.
Trying to smoke the pain away but it doesn’t work as good as it used to.
I want out. Out of my head. But that’s impossible and yet, I’m still trying to find ways around it. What’s wrong with me? Ugh.
that every guy who walks into my life, either gets sick of me and leaves, or I push them away….?
Am I able to keep one steady male friend…even for a little longer? Maybe like…forever?
That’s all I ask. They’ve always been the ones who just get it. Understand me. The ones I can talk to about literally everything…and as soon as I completely open up and just get close…they leave. Or I somehow push them away.
I miss them all. Zach. Lee. Kyle. Brandyn. Joe. And now…Chris. What is it with me?
I hate having to miss them. Why can’t they all just still be around? Why can’t they still know me on the same level? Or even just be there to smoke a blunt with on a cool summer night. Someone to get away with on a long night drive delivering luggage. A friend to party with and smoke weed with to no end. Or a best friend. Who once disappeared and I thought I lost forever, but then I got him back.
Only to finally open up completely. More than I have ever, because I never thought you’d be the one to leave so quick.
Boom. All the sudden you’re gonna move across the country.
In your shoes, I get it. I completely understand. What does Ohio have to offer you? Honestly. Life sucks here. Its boring and you’re constantly stressing out over being broke, having a shitty unreliable car, and how many friends can you seriously count that you know will be there til the end?
I hope you know you at least got me. States apart, I can still be here for you. I know how badly you want to go and I think you should. Do what makes you happy. As your friend, I can at least give you that advice. Follow your dreams. If this is what you want, go fucking get it and I hope to God, that you succeed.
Just promise me you won’t leave me in the dust of Canton, Ohio. Promise me you won’t throw our friendship away because “fuck ohio” right? I hope I’m more than that to you and your desire to leave doesn’t interfere with the friendship we have grown to have over the last few years.
I never thought I’d grow so close to you. Get to know you so well just to have to deal with you leaving and on top of that, being so excited about it that you won’t shut up. I’m trying to support you and be a good caring friend, like the person I AM! But, its hard when its being thrown in my face.
Just don’t forget me when you go. :(
I desperately want to leave Ohio and as the days dwindle away, I feel like more and more of my friends are growing up and just leaving.
I want out too. But its not my time. I need to keep working. Focus on myself and be happy. Save my money for shit I wanna do and keep things going good in my life. But its so hard when I feel so alone.
Since I’ve been single again, its hard to pinpoint exactly what emotions I’m feeling on a day to day basis. Some days are okay. But others, I feel like I’m in a fog. Lost in my own head. Swimming in thoughts. Its when I come home and I’m alone that depression hits. Its only temporarily gone when friends are around. But its still hard. Hard to hide how I feel within and how exactly to deal with all of it. No one is there for me. No one can say anything or do anything to completely fix me.
I have to do it for myself, but where do I even begin? I feel so lost and all I wanna do is get away. Leave Ohio. Go on vacation and just experience a new. Something different. A change of pace. A change of perspective. A wake up call on my life.
I need a sign at this point. Of what direction exactly I should take. I want to open up to everyone again. Reconnect with old friends and keep the ones I have close so no more can get away. I want to start meditation and changing my diet completely. Discovering my beliefs and exactly who I AM. Being me and figuring out what that means for once in my life. And knowing that every step of the way, God will be there to watch me.