Jessica.Talks.Too.Much.

I can’t stop thinking about you. About the excitement and rush I get from your presence. Living in every moment I can. The adrenaline of sitting passenger in your V8, the rumble and darkness of the night beneath us. How I crave you and I see you everyday. How I completely hate you. Wishing I could edit you like a new story. God damn me and my problems. But I’m stuck on you like a bad cut on a summer night. You’ve got me trying to figure you out. How I still want you even though I know I shouldn’t. How I’m just a sucker struggling to maintain my self control especially when it comes to you. Wishing I’d figure shit out. Stop doing this.

I must have a problem wearing my heart on my sleeve. Always wanting something. Someone. A fill in for the empty space occupying my mind. My heart is nothing but a light weight. So desperate. So unhappy. Taped and mended together from fragile strings. So much confusion mixed with pain. The way the timing of my mind doesn’t click with anything going on inside my chest. How I’m so tired of looking. Trying. Wanting. And getting hurt. Worse than the drugs and the things they make you do. I can’t seem to figure it out. Figure out what it is exactly that I want. Somebody in some way, shape, or form as a constant in my life. Whatever that means. I’m so sick of wasting my time and going nowhere.

When the world is completely against you and you just wanna go…

If you don’t love me, pretend.

It’s too late to cry. Too broken to move on. It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.

Why I can’t stop writing about you. Repeating myself. Trying to make sense of the thoughts in my head and emotions that just won’t shut off. While I still crave your presence. Your distance from me in the most romantic way. Words I don’t even know how to piece together to make sense of it. The feelings. The anger I feel compared to the heart break. I don’t know which is worse. The fact that I always knew I would never fully have you, the fact that you stopped talking to me, or the fact that I still miss you and think about you all fucking day, everyday. Like a goddamn conveying belt, a scratched CD that no will stop, a tea kettle turning fucking black and causing fire to the whole kitchen. Eventually igniting the old house in flames. Burning everything you love. Turning to ash. I’m left with nothing. The constant reminder of what I don’t have. The fights. The happiness. Everything.

I’m literally drowning in my head so much that I’ve just stopped talking. Unsure what to say. So broken I don’t feel like giving a shit about anything anymore. I’m so numb by this point I don’t wanna make it better and I don’t know how. I’m a hopeless screw up. So unbelievably desperate for love. For you. Still.

I just wish I knew how to shut it off.

I have this fucked up idea…

In my head. Start swingin drugs like crazy, making bank from doing it the right way. Being smart and not having to work your 8-5, Monday-Friday. Tellin everyone to eat shit and not giving a fuck. Being a little bit more of a dare devil. Experience the young crazy lifestyle. Money. Money. Money. It’s not worth puttin up with this shit. I wanna win bank. I wanna party. Party fucking hard. Drugs and expensive alcohol. Travel to the city. Travel to the beach. Quit this job. Leave this fucked up town. These asshole people.

I don’t wanna give a fuck. I wanna make a lot of money fast and keep it comin.

B

Tangled up in blue.

So so tangled up in blue.

Forgetting you.

Only knowing careless love.

Making me lonesome as you go.

Making me cry if only you’d know.

Staying with you forever.

Never realizing the time.

Looking up into to those safire tinted skies.

I used to care but things have changed.

Locked in tight. Out of range.

Trying to get as far away from myself as I can.

You can’t win with a losing hand.

How you can hurt someone and not even know it.

But I would never do ya wrong.

On the highway of regret the storms are raging.

Go to the ends of the earth for you.

Pouring off of every page, written from my soul.

I’d go black and blue.

Tangled up in blue…

x

Control.

How is it that, after so long of constantly putting myself in the same situations, I still haven’t learned. How is it that I am always dissecting everything in my head down to every tiny last detail. How is it that I’m like a magnet when it comes to the wrong guys.

The neighbor. Who I managed to fall completely head over heels for and why? Since when did someone like that become my type. Since when did I let someone control me so much in the fact that I now feel broken without him. Even how just the simple little texts seemed to stop so quickly. How all he ever did was use me. How it was nothing but a huge lie and a joke and I gave in to it all. You won, I hope you’re proud.

The geek. Perfection in its worst. How it means absolutely nothing. How I’m just another notch on your bedpost, or should I say mine. How you aren’t actually a liar, but how you leave out all the key points. Like how she probably lives with you and how you’re one big happy family and you’re just doing this to get back at her. Awesome.

How I screwed that up and how my heart thinks of it now. Wishing I could turn back time and just fix the situation at the time. How I wish I had thought more logically, like I do now.

Why I’m so broken and desperate for love. How I always turn around to wishing you’d just fall for me and it’d be easy and right. The way I’ve always dreamt it would feel. How I wish you’d just see me and want me and that’s it. Like you did all those years ago in the course of one week. How no one else would matter anymore and they shouldn’t because they were all pointless parts of my life anyway. How I’ve been around the block way to many times with stupid men, just waiting for the day for both of us to realize.

And now you say you’re leaving. Running away. Leaving me even more broken, although, I don’t seem to understand how that’s even possible. Why I always keep going back over old shit in my head, wishing I could change the past to change my present, the future. But it’s not happening. It’s not getting any better and I’m just getting more lost watching the days go by now, knowing there will be an end. Knowing that with you, there never was an end. Ever. Even with time in between us, we somehow always made it up.

Sometimes after so many broken relationships, I wonder how much more I can take. I’m nothing but a lost soul.

I wish I knew how to stop missing you.

To stop the thoughts in my head from thinking of you. Remembering the days we used to share and how you just let me go. Didn’t try to chase me. Pretended to care. I’d wish you miss me. The softness of my lips and the way you’d somehow stop the world for a moment. It sucks realizing not all people stick around. I guess I just wish you would’ve been around a little bit longer.

You only text me when you realize you love me

…because you forget and then she turns around and breaks your heart. Or you feel alive, as if breaking up with her is a revelation, and you wanna share the good news with the only girl who actually matters. Like suddenly its gonna make a difference. I’m your get away from reality. Just me, the girl you damanged with the half broken heart. Yet, I still would jump in front of a bus for you. How I wonder how a person can be so back and forth. So completely screwed up in the head with love and figuring out what it is you actually want. Then I realize I’m exactly the same and maybe we were just made for each other and haven’t realized it yet. I’m your girl and I always was.